I went to the oncologist yesterday to get disconnected from my lemon ball. I forgot that they put another device on me that gives me a shot sometime around 4pm today to help with my white blood cells. The nausea was awful. I couldn’t find anything to eat that sounded good or would fill me up. I had some soup and that seemed to work for a bit. I’m trying to get enough protein in to keep up my strength. Water is a chore. My lips feel like they are sunburnt and my skin is really tight. Wednesday my face got really hot, like i had a fever, but no fever. It happened when I was in the hospital after my surgery as well. I was really tired the past two nights and slept really well the first night but last night was rough.

It’s hard to not let the bad thoughts creep in. Why me? I’m a healthy person. Why not someone who doesnt take care of themselves? Not that I wish this on anyone, it just doesn’t make sense. Why me? I put on a shirt this morning and I could smell fabric softner, and the first thing I think is this what caused my cancer? Am I giving my kids cancer by using it? Everything we eat, I now look at and wonder. Cleaning supplies? Red meat? Sugar? The list goes on and on.

This still doesn’t feel like our life. I feel like I’m cosplaying and it will be over soon. We aren’t sick people, we are healthy.

I woke up multiple times last night thinking I’m going through all this and what if it comes back? All the pain, all the nausea and potential side effects. There are people who have been doing this for a long time and I am in awe at how they are handling it. Or at least the parts they show to everyone else.

I got in a mile and a half walk this morning with David. I enjoy our walks because we get to reconnect and touch base with no kids around. We both agreed that the thoughts are creeping in because I am fighting. If I wasn’t fighting it would be easy to succumb to the thoughts and give up. I wont give up, but I need to allow myself to have these moments because this shit is scary and the unknkown is even more scary.

Oh, and crying hurts now. Amanda, it sucks. I can’t really cry because my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my head!

On a good note, the other half of our tribe, my bestie, Zanna, and Cody, are leaving Washington tomorrow to move here! I cant wait to see her!