Tuesday was chemo #4. Monday and leading up to going to the oncologist on Tuesday, I was having a pity party. I didn’t want to go at all. The very thought of going there makes me want to vomit. I think my brain associates that building with sickness now. Walking in, I had to compose myself because I knew what was to come.

This round was rough. I was nauseous more than I had been before even with all the meds they give me. I felt like I could vomit at any moment. I tried peppermints to help and it worked for a bit. I asked for barf bags for the ride home because I knew it wouldn’t go away.

Soy had a baseball game that night. I went all hooked up to chemo and carrying a barf bag. People stare but they don’t ask. Fine by me. I asked Soy before his game if he cared if I went while being all hooked up and he said he didn’t care, he just wanted me there. My sweet baby boy, he just wants his mom to watch him play. I don’t want them to be embarrassed or get asked questions, I don’t want them to have to live this more than they already do.

Each cycle I shower that morning and then don’t shower until after I get unhooked. I got unhooked yesterday. I took a shower but with how nauseous I felt I couldn’t wash my hair. Not because it would make me feel more sick but because I have started losing hair and I couldn’t handle it emotionally yesterday. I cried because I couldn’t open a string cheese. My fingers were so stiff I couldn’t make them work properly and even wrapping the cheese up in a paper towel, I was scared to touch them for fear the cold would cause pain. Good thing my hubby was home to open my cheese!

My little pity party I had leading up to chemo really messed with my head. I felt so great, one could say I felt normal, no cancer in my life, lots of energy, back to me. Then chemo comes and I felt like a zombie. I rally multiple times to chat with the people I care about and naps seem to help a lot. I have napped more than I think I did even when I was pregnant with our twins.

My hair. That has been hard on me. They say I won’t lose it all but the chunks coming out is a lot to handle. I washed my hair today and my hand/arm was covered more than it has been before. I didn’t cry this time though! Baby steps.

I am part of some cancer groups where I read a lot of stories and I find myself getting bitter at people’s stories. Stage 1, stage 2, and no chemo. Or just a surgery and they are free. I get bitter because it sucks to read those stories, while I am so happy for everyone that ever has to deal with any of this and I am grateful they have it “easy” (I use that word loosely because hearing the cancer word is NEVER easy for anyone.) I just don’t understand how some can get no chemo and I get full force chemo. Please, also understand that this was some of the things going on in my head leading up to round 4, it’s not always like that. I do love hearing people become victorious over cancer. I want that for everyone who has had to deal with it. I want that for me and my family.

School has been harder to get done this week with the twins, but we are getting through it. We are trying so hard to keep their lives as normal as possible. They deserve a childhood free from this shit, but it’s not something I can do. I want them to never have to worry about mom. Or if they accidentally hit my arm and I have my on body shot on. I want them to be care free 10 year olds.

Last week, a few days after we met with the surgeon, I was missing Cayden because I hadn’t seen him in a few days and he came over. I hugged my baby boy, I just needed to see him. He sat with me and we talked for a while.

Evan probably sees more of what this is doing to me than any of the other kids. He’s a very observant almost 19 year old. He can see when I feel like crap, and when I need just a bit more help.

I have said it so many times and will continue to, I am so grateful for my children and they just bring me so much joy. They eliminate some of my pain without doing anything different. Their joy brings me joy.

I feel like this post is a lot of rambling, so I apologize if it comes across that way. Just want to give you a glimpse into my world lately.