The other night the last thing to go through my mind before falling asleep was, “I don’t want to die.”

Not once in my life prior to this diagnosis did I ever think that before bed. I didn’t think it ever really, not seriously.

I follow a couple people on Tik Tok and Facebook that are going through their own cancer journey and they aren’t doing well. They have been told there isn’t much left that doctors can do for them or some are just really struggling during treatment. It shook me and put me in a bad head space. Five years and 100% comes back in my mind. While that’s not how I see my life going, it’s always there in the back of my head, constantly wanting to creep into my thoughts. I vision it like good and evil on each shoulder. The good is louder and more constant but the evil is sitting in silence waiting for the perfect time to pounce. Some Tik Toks give that moment of opportunity to pounce.

“Stop watching those Cindy”, that’s what I envision people telling me. I can’t. I don’t know if it’s a twisted morbid thing, or just wanting to know what can happen if I give up. (Again, not going to happen.) It’s also because I feel for them. I feel for their family. I know the fear. It breaks my heart and makes me angry at the same time. I get very angry. It’s so fucked up that anyone has to deal with any of this..

I fell asleep thinking I don’t want to die. It’s some shit when you really think about it. Who goes to bed thinking about their mortality. Cancer patients.

Think about that, like really think about how twisted it is. To constantly worry about dying. To constantly think about not being able to see your daughter get married in a beautiful white gown. Or see all your boys become the sweetest fathers with their tiny babies. To imagine your husband sleeping in your bed without you. It’s really shitty.

It was a rough week emotionally, even though it wasn’t a chemo week. Monday was tough and I powered through a few more days and then got into a bad headspace again. I have an amazing support system that helps me out of it. My sister in law has a crazy intuition and knows when to send me uplifting crap that makes me cry every single time. I love it though and she knows. My bestie who has been trying to unpack her house after moving here, gives me the safe space to cry and hugs me. She allows me to be vulnerable in a way I never have with another woman other than my mom. And of course, my husband listens to all the crazy, irrational, sometimes very rational, emotions that come out at the most random times. He listens to all the things I learn on tik tok from other people battling this awful disease.

I am surrounded by people who love me and try their hardest to understand what I am going through. The one thing that I have learned this week is they are going through something as well. They are scared, they don’t know what to do. I have to step out of my emotions and realize they have the same but different fears as I do. While they can’t know exactly how I feel, they are trying and have some real fears as well.

I found this on Tik Tok and felt the need to post it. It’s not my writing, it’s not my account. Her Tik Tok name is Jessica’s Healing Journey and it spoke to me and can give you a glimpse inside how I feel regularly.

We are going to a pumpkin patch tomorrow and I am so excited! Family time is my absolute favorite. I love my tribe so much and just want as much time as I can with them. Even if I live another 40 years, it’s not enough with them. Have a good weekend everyone and just like a previous post, FUCK CANCER! That might be my sign off from here on out. What do you think?