This round was a lot harder on me. Not just physically but mentally it was tough.

They gave me more anti nausea meds to help and they seemed to help, I was able to get more food down. My stomach didn’t like anything I ate though. Everything goes straight through me. I had to up my Imodium because it kept getting bad. David and I went on a walk yesterday and I had to rush home because I almost didn’t make it to the bathroom. That’s cancer treatment for you.

Talking about bowel movements have become a regular topic of conversation in our home. Colon cancer, you know. We had soccer and baseball Friday night and my stomach hurt the entire time but I refuse to use a port a potty or the public bathroom there because they are so nasty, so I was in pain for a couple hours. And again, had to run when we got home or it wouldn’t have been pretty.

It’s very humbling talking about this kind of stuff because as I said before, I have always felt as a lady, we don’t talk about these things. My husband has seen a side of me he never saw in the 14 years we have been together.

I was really tired this round. But it’s not a sleep depravation tired, it’s my body is just exhausted.

I went to the pool Friday with Zanna and the kids and I was in the sun for a few minutes and my skin felt like it was on fire. New side effect.

I got the needles in my fingertips after cracking some eggs so I can’t touch anything cold. I’ve read that people have gloves to use for the fridge and freezer because the cold hurts so bad. Another side effect is people say that when they eat or drink cold stuff it feels like razor blades going down their throat. Not me, instead my lips and tongue get really numb for a while. Not doing that again.

My face numbed up on Thursday when I was in the oncologist office getting detached.

My jaw hurts the first few bites of anything I eat. I read its called First bite syndrome or something like that.

My fingers lock up when I type or hold something like my phone for any amount of time. They gave me a low dose of Gabapentin to help with the nerve pain.

Side effects are fun. Fuck Cancer. FUCK CANCER!

Mentally this has been rough. I like to think of myself as a strong person but cancer will test that over and over again, relentlessly. None of this is right or fair. Nobody deserves this. Nobody.

I have cried many times this week and that is painful in itself. My eyes literally feel like they are going to pop out my sockets. I keep saying I don’t want to do this anymore. That doesn’t mean I am going to stop or give up. Im going to fight and fight. But I just don’t want to. I want to go back to days when I didn’t know what all the medications for cancer treatment are, to the days when all I worried about was working out and eating right. I want to go back to the days when we went paddle boarding or on a trip somewhere. I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to feel nauseous anymore. I want to be present 100% of the time and there are times I don’t feel I am.

My brain is 24 hours thinking about cancer. I have to remind myself that it’s not that way for the people in my life. Their brains are not thinking about cancer 24 hours a day. Mine is because I am going to beat it and I am constantly reading stories about people who have. I can’t get it out of my head. I look at people on tv and think, why did I have to get it? Why couldn’t they? (Again, not that I would wish this on anyone but its more why me?)

I haven’t taken care of myself in the traditional sense, like painting my nails, doing my hair, etc. I don’t put makeup on every day like I used to. Haha, because Im literally fighting for my life. My hair doesn’t look like it used to, it’s pretty brown now (not blonde as much) because I can’t get it done and it was crazy long. Probably the longest I have had it. I decided to make an appointment to get it cut.

Friday I was still feeling pretty crappy so I asked David if he could drive me to my hair appointment and this sweet man sat in the salon for an hour and a half waiting for me.

I sat in the chair and the stylist asked me what I want to do with my hair. I looked at her and just lost it. Crying in the salon, all I could say was, “I just want to feel pretty again.” I told her I am battling cancer and just need to feel good about myself. I couldn’t stop crying in this poor girl’s chair. I told her I bet she didn’t think she was gonna come into work and deal with a basket case. She was amazing, early 20’s I think, and was so patient with me. She said making people feel better is why she does what she does. We got to know each other and talked about God of all things to talk about in a salon. At the end of the cut, she asked if she could pray for me. And she did. She knelt down next to me and prayed over me. It was one of the most touching moments. This young girl didn’t know me and may never see me again but felt the need to pray over me.

God is working in my life every day. I see him over and over with every single person I meet. He has put me and my family in every place at the exact moment we needed to be there. He’s got me.

I feel like I am forgetting something, it will probably come to me later. But until then, lets say it together, FUCK CANCER!